like cigarettes and alcohol and a little bit like despair
by TheWhiteCrayon
Summary: if life has taught her anything, it's that all promises get broken in the end -oneshot


**This story is not in chronological order, but the roman numbers are -they're kind of like a timeline through the story. I tried really hard to write a happy ending and I hope that worked out... Hope you enjoy the story and please let me know what you thought.**

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if life has taught her anything, it's that all promises get broken in the end. (or, the story of Beck and Jade)-oneshot

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vi

Jade meets Beck for the first time when he's twelve and she's eleven. He's not scared of her, like all their other classmates are. Rather he just stares at her, with a smile on his face and a look of admiration and curiosity in his eyes.

"Whipe that stupid smile off your face Beckett," she snaps. "Or do you need me to slap it off?" But, instead of flinching -like she would have expected- his smile only grows. "I can't," he says. "You make me smile too much."

Her face turns red (with _anger_ of course) and she grunches her teeth. "What the _hell_ is wrong with you Oliver?" she spits. "Nothing, really," he says. "I just want to be your friend." He smiles widely.

She laughs hard and fake. "You have _no_ idea who your dealing with," she says. He shrugges. "Maybe not," he says. "But I'm gonna find out."

She just smirks and walks away. (and, _no,_ that is _not_ a smile you see on her face _thank you very much._ )

ii

Jade's parents break up when she's seven years old, but they fell out of love with each other a long time before that. (And really, Jade can't remember a time when her nights weren't filled with fighting and shouting and crying and tiny hands covering tiny ears)

and

 _Just because daddy doesn't love mommy anymore doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore Jade_

and

 _just because daddy won't be living with us anymore doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore Jade_

and

 _just because daddy and Mary are going to have another baby doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore Jade_

(because daddy loves her so veryvery much)

 _(only he doesn't and she knows that but she doesn't care -she really doesn't)_

iii

(Except that she does care -maybe, deep down inside the heart she'd almost forgotten she used to own)

vii

He likes to call her pretty and she likes to call him stupid. But he doesn't ever stop trying and it kind of bewilders her, really, because if her _bigblackscary_ wall of hate&fear&darkness isn't enough to scare someone away -she really isn't sure _what_ she's supposed to doabout them.

( b _r_ o _k_ e _n_ -whispers the voice inside her head- b _r_ o _k_ e _n_ )

viii

When she's twelve and he's thirteen a ditzy but sweet, redheaded girl comes to Hollywood Arts and she's all smiles and giggles and innocence and pink and pretty and _happy_ and everything that Jade isn't.

But, for some reason she's the second person in just a little over a year to make it her personal mission to gain Jade's friendship.

As a result, Beck and Cat become fast friends and now it's two against one, which really isn't fair.

(and soon, it's Beck&Jade&Cat, and really, she never even _asked_ for all of that)

ix

"Will you go out with me?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Get the _hell_ out of my sight Beck."

x

She likes to _push people away_ when she realises she starts caring for them.

She likes to _yell_ when she gets angry, and she likes to get angry a lot.

And she likes to _hurt_ people, before they can hurt her.

 _(I'll never be like you, dad, never!)_

xi

Her mother kills herself when Jade is fourteen years old.

Its a thursdayafternoon, and Jade comes home from school a little late, because she and Cat were practising a song for the big showcase next week. The car is in the driveway, but her mom is nowhere to be found. Jade goes upstairs to her room, and walks by the open door to her mothers bedroom.

She can see her mother's frame, lying on the bed. And if her skin hadn't been so pale, and her chest hadn't been so still, and Jade hadn't felt such a strange knot tying her stomach, she might have thought she was just sleeping.

There's an empty bottle of whisky and an empty strip of anti-depressives on the table next to her mothers bed.

 _(wake up, mommy, it's time to wake up now)_

(there's no letter and no appology and no goodbye)

iv

When she's nine years old, her father calls her to tell her they can't go to the zoo tomorrow. He's very sorry and he loves her very much.

Jade doesn't care. She didn't even want to go to the zoo, anyway.

(But maybe - _maybe_ \- she wanted her father to _want_ to take her to the zoo.)

(maybe)

That night she takes her sharpest pair of scissors, and scratches them all over her small body -her arms -her legs -her stomach -her feet ( _e_ v _e_ r _y_ w _h_ e _r_ e ) until she's covered in blood.

(She takes a shower and washes and washes until all the red is gone, and then she goes to bed.)

(she doesn't cry that night)

v

 _From that day on, she does this every time a promise gets broken._

xii

She's fifteen when he first kisses her.

She pushes him away, before hitting him in the face.

"I love you," he says.

Tears come to her eyes.

"Don't say that," she whispers.

(later, she bleeds the promise away, before he even gets a chance to break it)

 _(if life has thaught her anything, its that every promise gets broken in the end)_

xiii

"Jade, why don't you love Beck?"

"None of your business."

Cat's quiet for a little while.

"He really does love you, you know," she says then.

Jade shakes her head. "He only thinks he does," she whispers.

"I don't think so," says Cat. "I think he knows for sure."

xiv

 _Love._

What a prettypretty fairytale.

Once upon a time, her daddy had loved her mommy, too.

(And look where that had gotten her)

 _(weak and beaten and worthless and_ dead _)_

xv

He finds out about her _b_ a _t_ t _l_ e _s_ c _a_ r _s_ when she's sixteen and he's seventeen.

To him

they look like messy grief and hidden sorrow and lonely tears.

To her

they look like forbidden happiness and forgotten promises and beautiful regrets.

xvi

"I still love you, you know," he says. "I'll always love you."

And she cries. (she cries for her mother, for her father, for herself, for Beck, and for a beautiful promise, that won't be kept)

xvii

Beck

Smells like peppermint and moteroil and a little bit like _perfection._

Jade

Smells like alcohol and cigarettes and a little bit like _despair._

 _(I'll never be like you, mom, never!)_

xviii

She's sixteen when _she_ first kisses _him._

(Afterwards, she runs away and takes her scissors eventhough she _promised_ him never, _n_ e _v_ e _r_ again.)

 _(all promises get broken in the end)_

i

"Don't ever get married Jade."

A five year old Jade is watching from the other side of the room as her mother is drinking her sixth glass of wine that evening.

"All men are lying, cheat'n basstards, Jade, Jade darling, all of th'm," she slurs. Jade watches as tears fall down her mothers face, but she doesn't move from her spot.

A long time goes by where her mother just cries and drinks more wine.

Finally, Jade hears a key turning in the lock. "Daddy's home," she whispers, but her mother doesn't even notice.

"Jade, what are you still doing up? It's way past your bedtime!" her father says as soon as he enters the room.

Then, he spots his wife, lying on the couch, with red eyes and a half empty glass of (red) wine in her hand."Margaret, what the hell?" he yells. "What the _fuck_ are you doing? _Drinking_ in front of our _kid?_ Really Margaret?" His face turns _red_ with anger and his hands turn into fists.

(It's funny how everything suddenly seems to be red. Her mother's eyes, the wine, her father's face, the lipstick on his collar)

(Jade decides then and there that she hates the color red)

"Shit Margaret, you're drunk as hell." He turns to Jade. "Go upstairs, Jade, go to bed. I'll be up in a minute."

Jade turns around and runs upstairs. She doesn't cry as she quickly changes into her pyjamas and brushes her teeth. She doesn't cry as she climbs into her bed and pulls the covers over her head. She still doesn't cry as she shuts her eyes tight when her father opens the door.

"Jade," he whispers. Jade keeps her eyes closed and her breathing steady. The door closes again and she hears her father walk down the stairs.

That night, Jade decides that she'll never grow up to be like her parents. Never, she promises. Never.

 _(but p_ r _o_ m _i_ s _e_ s _get b_ r _o_ k _e_ n _)_

xxi

"You kissed me," he says.

"I know," she says. "I'm sorry." She can't remember ever saying that. _Ever._

"Don't be," he says. "I love you. And I know you love me too, Jade. _Why_ do you keep denying it?"

"I don't love you, Beck" she says.

"I don't believe you," he says. "I don't believe you, and until you tell me _why_ you can't be with me, I'll never give up on you."

"I can't love you because love doesn't exist!" she says. "There _is_ no such thing as love. There is only the _idea_ of love. And the idea of love, drives people mad. It breaks people. It _kills_ people. And I do _not_ want to end up like that, I won't." Tears sting behind her eyes and her nails dig into her skin.

"I won't," she says again.

"Jade," he says. "I'm sorry about what happened to your mom. To your parents. That was awful. But it doesn't have to be like that. Not with everybody. Not with you, not with us."

"I don't believe you," she says. And then she walks away.

xix

"Look Jade, a falling star!" Cat shrieks.

"You're an idiot, you know that, right?" Jade says.

"Just close your eyes and make a wish. Make a wish, Jade!" Cat says.

 _(I wish we could make it work together)_

 _(I wish we could be happy)_

 _(I wish I wasn't exactly like my parents)_

"I wish you would just shut up." Jade says.

xx

"I am not afraid," she whispers into the night.

The wind blows softly through the trees, making a rustling sound. Almost like it's laughing. _(almost like its laughing at her)_

"I am not afraid!" she shouts.

(But the night does not believe her, and really, neither does she.)

xxii

"Don't you walk away from me!" he yells.

"Leave me alone!" she yells back.

"No, Jade, stop! You can't do this to me!" he says.

She turns around. "I'm sorry, okay!" she says. "I don't know what else you want me to say."

"Well, I want you to say you'll give me a _chance_!" he says."I want you to say you _trust_ me."

(and then) "I want you to say you love me."

She wants to walk away, but doesn't. (Instead, she kisses him again. And this time, she really doesn't know who made the first move)

She pulls away, and looks into his eyes. "Don't go," he whispers. "Please."

(and it might have been in that moment - _that stupid little moment_ \- that she first realisedshe was going to break her own promises)

 _(I'll never be like you, never!)_

 _(I'll never fall in love!)_

 _(I don't love you, Beck!)_

 _(I'm not afraid!)_

 _( p_ r _o_ m _i_ s _e_ s _a_ l _w_ a _y_ s _g_ e _t_ broken )

"Just, promise me we won't end up like them," she whispers.

(his smile is real and happy and loving

-but all she knows is _fear_ )

"I promise," he says.

(and she believes him)

xxiii

It's not easy.

(But honestly, it's really _fucking_ hard)

Her walls do go down, eventually, but not without a fight. (and no one - _no one_ \- fights better than her)

There's a lot of yelling and shouting and crying (from the both of them, 'cause Beck's not perfect either).

But they don't give up.

xxiv

The first time that she tells him he doesn't know it.

They're in his caravan one afternoon, and she's doing homework and he's taking a nap. And as she watches him sleep there on his couch, a tiny smile on his lips, suddenly she knows.

She crawls up next to him on the couch, wrapping her arms around him. She gently kisses his [beautiful] lips before laying her head on his chest to listen to his heartbeat.

"I love you," she whispers -so soft she can barely hear it herself.

(she doesn't think she's ever said those words before)

xxv

She shows him her arms.

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

He takes her face into his hands. "It's okay," he says. "I still love you. I'll always love you."

Silent tears fill her eyes. "I don't deserve you," she says. "You deserve someone better. Someone who's not broken."

"I still choose you," he says.

xxvi

She breaks up with him when she's seventeen.

He's driving that _Allyssa Fucking Vaughn_ around and so she really doesn't have a choice, does she?

(At first, she kind of wants to forgive him, but then she sees flashes of red lipstick before her eyes and she hears her mother's faint screams in the back of her head)

(they're broken up for a week before she finds her way back to him)

xxvii

Sometimes, she's really happy.

She knows he loves her and she knows she loves him and nothing else matters.

(she cherishes these moments forever)

xxviii

They fight so much it sometimes scares her. _(and deep down inside, there's still this scared little girl, who listens to her mother's screams everynight)_ But they always, _a_ l _w_ a _y_ s make up again, and they always say they love each other.

(and she believes it, too)

xxix

(she still doesn't believe in promises but

she does believe in Beck)


End file.
